IT ISN'T MARVELOUSLY WELL-MANNERED TO MISLEAD OTHERS.

buy napkins here

Unacceptable.  Maybe it is the lawyer in me.  Or maybe it is the fact that I really do try to be marvelously well-mannered, which means, among other things, to be kind to others. 
I find it unacceptable, and, frankly, mean, when people pass off non-facts as facts.  Especially when it comes to manners and etiquette.  Some people already feel a bit overwhelmed with the whole subject matter to begin with and and it makes matters infinitely worse when those who profess to be "experts" in the area of etiquette mislead those who seek out their wise counsel.

Case in point, I love etiquette books.  I have a small library full of them.   And I read them.  Over the weekend I read the latest addition to my collection and spotted more than one wrong passage.  For example, the book stated that, "[n]apkins are laid, unfolded, to the right of the plate when you excuse yourself from the table momentarily" and to "place the napkin so that the soiled portion is facing down on the table."  What horrid advice.  Let's set things straight.  Napkins are to be laid, unfolded, on the seat of your chair when you excuse yourself from the table mid meal.  If you use your napkin properly the soiled part is always in between the folds and never in threat of being in view by anyone.

It is not marvelously well-mannered to mislead people on the rules of etiquette.  What are some of the stranger "rules" you have been told, that turn out to be incorrect? Let's nip them in the bud one at a time.

Napkin Rings

Last night, I was teaching a dining etiquette class and was asked the following question: "where does the napkin ring go after you remove the napkin?"  

The answer: A napkin ring is placed to the left of your plate, above the forks.  It does not belong to the right of your plate where there is  stemware and can cause accidents.

After the meal, the used napkin's center is pulled through the ring, and then the ring is placed on the table with that tip of the napkin pointing to the center of the table. 

If it is a casual family dinner, it is very likely the gently used napkins will be used again at the next meal.  To avoid napkin ring confusion family members should have their own distinctive ring, like the set below. 

Lenox China Butterfly Meadow napkin rings available here

If it is a formal dining affair, the napkin ring serves no official purpose other than ornamental (since the napkin isn't going to be reused), but the napkins still go back in the ring.  

Setting a pretty table makes family meal-time more special.  Cloth napkins are nicer than paper napkins.  We use cloth napkins in our home, but I have yet to use napkin rings but am now on the hunt for some.  Do you use napkin rings?  Does anyone have any suggestions of where to look?

Please Keep Your Hands To Yourself...Thank You.

It seems that everyone laments the decline in common courtesy today. Customers complain about declining customer service (rude sales staff who barely make eye contact when making change, store clerks refusing to end personal phone conversations while they ring up purchases, incessant gum chewing). Likewise, salespeople think customers are just as bad. Boorish customer behavior is on the rise (yelling, cutting in line, “demanding” service). As a result, I feel a bit sheepish even bringing this up, especially since the breach in etiquette is being caused in an attempt to be more attentive to customers.

But is anyone else bothered when – out at a restaurant - wait staff pick up your napkin from the seat of your chair, handle and refold your gently-used napkin and then place it on the table when you have excused yourself mid-meal? While I am certain well-meaning restaurant management is asking their staff to do this as a way of providing superior service and enhanced customer attention, I am afraid it is misguided and inappropriate.

A napkin belongs on the table in only two circumstances: first, at the very beginning so diners can enjoy sitting at a perfectly set table; and second, at the end of the meal to signal – usually first by the host – that the meal has concluded and it is time to leave. At that time, one is to gather the napkin from its center and place it – unfolded - to the left of one’s plate.

During the meal, when a diner excuses themselves from the table, the napkin is placed on the seat of the chair, which is then pushed in. This makes the most sense. Otherwise, the rest of the people remaining at the table are forced to see a crumpled and used napkin on the table, which is not at all appetizing.

The problem is that as more and more restaurants implement this napkin refolding step it starts to confuse people who begin thinking they were wrong in putting their napkin on the seat of the chair when excusing themselves from the table in the first place. Napkins are tricky business when dining. People have a hard enough time keeping the napkin rules straight without wait staff inadvertently adding to the confusion.

Letitia Baldrige (Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to the New Manners for the '90s, 1989) and the Protocol School of Washington agree that napkins are to be placed on the seat of the chair when you excuse yourself mid-meal. It is settled.