LET'S PLAY BALL

Image Source - and to get tickets (Nationals)

Despite the beginning of baseball season, we won't be doing any "shortstopping."  And no, I am not talking about around the baseball diamond.  I am talking about around the dinner table. 


This occurs when someone asks for something to be passed to them (for example, the bread basket) and the person who begins to pass the requested item, or others along the way, use the requested item on its way around the table.  Bad form.


So, if someone asks you for the breadbasket, you should not take a roll for yourself before you have the basket begin its journey around the table. And if you are one of the people passing the bread basket along the route, you should not take a roll as you pass it along.  This is not nice.  Do not do it. It is considered rude. 

So what do you when someone's request for the breadbasket sparks your interest in a dinner roll?  Be marvelously well-mannered and politely ask for the breadbasket back. 

AMERICAN or CONTINENTAL?

There are two ways to eat - American and Continental (also called "European"). 

When you eat American style you start off holding your fork in your non-dominant hand, and your knife in your dominant hand.  To properly hold your fork while cutting turn it over and put your index finger on the back of the fork for leverage in securing the food.  Please no holding it like a weapon with clenched fists!   To properly hold your knife place your index finger on the joint where the blade and handle meet.  You can go up about an inch if you want - but no more - for leverage in cutting.  After you cut (one piece only at a time) you lay your knife across the upper part of the plate and switch your fork to your dominant hand and eat, holding your fork like a pencil with the tines up.  Some call it the "zig-zag" way of eating because you switch your utensils from hand to hand.  While eating, place your free hand in your lap. 

When you are at "rest" - not eating - you place your fork and knife on the plate parallel to each other but with some space in between.  The knife is laying across the top (think of the knife near 1:00 if the plate is the face of a clock) while the fork is in the center of the plate (near 4;00).  When you are "finished" with your meal place your fork and knife at 10:20 with the tops at 10 and the handles at the :20 spot.  The knife blade faces in and the tines of the fork are up. 

When you eat Continental/European style you keep your utensils in the same hands - never switching off.  The fork goes in your non-dominant hand.  When you are done cutting you keep hold of the knife but lift your hand with the fork up to your mouth and pivot your wrist to convey the food into your mouth.  This is an initially more difficult way to eat since your fork is always tines down - so the food has to be packaged on the back of your fork.  Your knife is the "pusher" whose job it is to combine all your food on the plate (meat is the anchor, then the veggies and sides are added) and push the food onto the back of the fork.  But some really like this way of eating because Europeans eat this way, it is efficient, and it is more quiet.  But if you have trouble eating slowly, you need to be doubly mindful because there is no natural break in eating like with the American style.  For the "rest" position, place the knife and fork down so you create a little "X" on the plate with the tines of the fork down and over the knife blade, which is facing in.  The "finished" position is also 10:20 but the tines of the fork are down. 

Eating either way is being marvelously well-mannered - as long as you also sit up straight, eat quietly, and chew with your mouth closed.  Elbows off the table!

Which way do you eat - have you ever tried the "other" way?

“GIVE NEITHER COUNSEL NOR SALT TILL YOU ARE ASKED FOR IT.” - Italian Proverb

Pewter Salt and Pepper Shakers

I am not a big salt person. In fact the only thing I add salt to is a margarita – yum!


Image Source

So take my advice with a grain of salt (ha, ha sorry could not resist the pun). Actually, this is sound advice:

When you want it, and it is not within easy reach, ask someone to, “please pass the salt.” Before you utter those words though remember that you should actually taste the food to see if needs the seasoning you have asked to be passed your way.

If you are the one passing the salt, also pass the pepper. They are a pair. When passing salt and pepper place them on the table next to the person requesting the seasoning.  Do not hand them directly to the other person.

Some hostesses have enough individual salt and pepper pairings for everyone like the ones pictured here:


Buy these here

The exception to the rule of keeping salt and pepper together is if the salt is in a salt cellar -a small dish placed on the table to house the salt.  In that case, when someone asks for the salt you only pass the salt cellar.

Individual Salt Cellar

 I think salt cellars are adorable. There are a few rules for their use as well.

Most come with tiny spoons which you use to place the salt on your food or plate. But if there is no spoon, use the tip of a clean knife to take some salt. Never dip a dirty knife tip into a shared salt cellar.

If everyone at the table has their own salt cellar for their individual use, one can either use the tip of their knife or may take a pinch of salt with their fingers.

You can be really creative with salt and pepper shakers - take a look at some of these:

Pear and Apple Salt Shakers



Seahorse Salt and Pepper Shakers



Dart Frog Salt and Pepper Shakers

What is your preference - individual salt and pepper shakers; salt cellars or fancy salt and pepper pairs?

Bread Plates, Coffee Cups, Place Settings OH MY!




Formal Setting Courtesy of USC

Knowing your way around your place setting is a must in dining etiquette.  While I could go on and on about place settings for this post, I will limit it to one fabulously useful tip.  A friend of mine who works in the White House said one of the most useful things they learned from the Social Secretary's Office is how to remember which is your bread plate:  once you are seated, discretely place your hands on your lap under the table and make a circle with each thumb and index finger while keeping your other fingers straight up, like this: 

Courtesy of the Washington Post

Your left hand will form a "b" for your bread plate (which is on the left of your place setting) and your right hand will form a “d” for your drinks  (which are on the right of your place setting).  How marvelously simple is that?  Do you have any other tips that help you maneuver around the dining table?  Care to share?

Dog Lovers Beware!



Henry Clarke photograph circa 1954

 I am not naming names but awhile back I was at a business dinner when someone who should have certainly known better actually asked for a doggie bag for their main dish.  Yes, I know we were at a fabulous restaurant where the food is splendid and the portions sinfully inappropriate. But that is no excuse.  It is unacceptable to do this at a business dinner.  Period. 

Idle Hands ...

We all want to make a good impression when we are eating in the company of others.  Most of us have been taught when eating to not fidget with one's hands.  But what o you do with your free hand when eating?  A definite don't - don't touch your face or your hair at the dining table.  So ladies stop trying to look seductive to your dinner date by twisting that strand of hair around your finger or running your hand through your hair.  You don't look cute - you look gauche.  But enough about what not to do....

Dear Abby recently answered correctly when she noted that one's free hand is to properly rest in one's lap when eating.  The column, however, neglected to specify that that answer is the proper guidance when eating American style (where you only hold one utensil when actually eating).  On the other hand, when eating European or Continental style, place your wrists on the table (when not holding a utensil or otherwise engaging in eating, drinking or passing food).

Napkin Rings

Last night, I was teaching a dining etiquette class and was asked the following question: "where does the napkin ring go after you remove the napkin?"  

The answer: A napkin ring is placed to the left of your plate, above the forks.  It does not belong to the right of your plate where there is  stemware and can cause accidents.

After the meal, the used napkin's center is pulled through the ring, and then the ring is placed on the table with that tip of the napkin pointing to the center of the table. 

If it is a casual family dinner, it is very likely the gently used napkins will be used again at the next meal.  To avoid napkin ring confusion family members should have their own distinctive ring, like the set below. 

Lenox China Butterfly Meadow napkin rings available here

If it is a formal dining affair, the napkin ring serves no official purpose other than ornamental (since the napkin isn't going to be reused), but the napkins still go back in the ring.  

Setting a pretty table makes family meal-time more special.  Cloth napkins are nicer than paper napkins.  We use cloth napkins in our home, but I have yet to use napkin rings but am now on the hunt for some.  Do you use napkin rings?  Does anyone have any suggestions of where to look?

It Was Over With One Bite ...

Recently, I was waiting for my sandwich at the deli downstairs from my office. As I was waiting I heard – then turned to see – a woman eating lunch at the counter with what looked to be her work colleague. It was a most unfortunate sight.

While she was attractive and well-dressed, her eating habits were nothing short of horrifying. I could hear her chomping on chips – over the noise of the deli and despite standing over 6 feet away. She chewed with her mouth open – not once did I see her lips close together. Granted, I may have missed it. I tried not to stare so my eyes were not on her the entire time. She took huge bites of her sandwich which she then stowed away in her cheek as she spoke. She looked like a squirrel with a gargantuan nut. Now I know the sandwiches at this deli are delicious, and I, too, am tempted to take big bites – but that is not the proper way to eat.

Poor table manners are bad enough. But she was eating with someone who looked like a work colleague. All I could think of was, “what must that colleague think of her?” What a shame.

It doesn’t matter how attractive you are or now well-dressed you are when you don’t have a solid foundation of proper dining etiquette; your professional, well-mannered deportment is over, sometimes with just one bite. You simply do not present well. To be marvelously well-mannered, remember to chew with your mouth closed, eat quietly, and while you are not supposed to talk with your mouth full, it is often hard to avoid talking with at least a bit of food in your mouth. When you do, take small bites of your food so you can talk without looking like a squirrel getting ready for winter.

Etiquette Evolves But Good Manners Are Constant

Last night, I taught a dining etiquette course as part of the Arlington County Adult Education Center offerings. As an aside, if you live in the D.C. area, I strongly encourage you to look into the classes offered, and not only the dining etiquette course. (For instance, I have taken classes that span the spectrum from finance to flower arranging.)

Anyway, I had a wonderful time with a lively class that was full of questions and examples of real world dining etiquette faux pas they had witnessed. It was obvious all in the class had a solid grounding in dining etiquette, but just wanted to polish their skills. Good for them! Because etiquette is not static - it evolves as society changes - it is quite easy to get confused with what is the state of play.

A classic question that comes up is, elbows on the table - permissible or a problem? Everyone remembers how this used to be considered practically a cardinal rule of proper dining.

While all of the leading etiquette mavens agree no elbows while eating, some (Dorothea Johnson's Protocol School of Washington) hold firm that elbows are "never placed on the table" while others say it is fine to do in between courses and when one is lingering over a completed meal. Some reasons given is that it is a gesture that comes naturally when one is engaged in a lively and animated conversation (Letitia Baldridge) and that it shows that you are intently listening (Peggy Post).

We at Marvelously Well-Mannered come down on - no elbows during the entire dining occasion. Our reasoning is that if you put your elbows on the table, it increases the likelihood that you will violate some other dining etiquette rule, like the rule that one should sit straight (but not stiffly) at the table.

And, we think, more importantly, putting your elbows on the table causes the real risk that you will make others at your table feel uncomfortable or at least a bit unwelcome. How? Easy. If you are listening so intently to someone that you put your elbow on the table to lean in a bit more, you literally turn a cold shoulder, if not your back to, at least some of the other people at your table (depending on how many you are dining with at the time). All the other people receive the not so subtle message, do not interrupt us, you are not welcome.

While society may indeed be relaxing, and more and more elbows are making their way onto dining tables all across America (mainly because it is more comfortable to sit that way), there still are some of us who keep in mind that, "good manners are made up of petty sacrifices." So even though it isn't really as comfortable as slouching on an elbow, sit up straight and make sure all at the table are made to feel welcome to join your conversations. Purely "private conversations" do not belong at a large dinner table. We opt for resting your wrists on the table (a la European/Continental style). Marvelous manners and etiquette matter. Pure and simple.

Children And Table Manners

Table manners? Where do you start? What do you teach? How do you begin? What should you expect? As a former nursery school teacher, I used to hear these questions all the time. And as a successful mum, I hear it now from new mommies wanting to raise happy and polite children. My answers have always been the same.

You start with the basics, when you have a child in a high chair. You teach the basics that everyone follows. They are always the same regardless of age. Once you are sure your own manners are up to par, you begin to teach by explaining everything you are doing and why. Children are little sponges thirsty to learn so constantly repeat yourself; eventually osmosis will take over and the table manners will just be a part of their daily routine. If you are patient and consistent and make it fun, eventually your child will learn proper table manners. Make dining a fun experience, enjoyed by all who join you at the dining table. It is your responsibility to ensure that the family sits down together at various meal times and spends quality time together as a family.

Once a child joins the family at the dinner table, they are taught to wait until everyone is seated to begin eating. If the child cannot wait because of hunger (because of age), give them a little something to hold them over until dinner is served. Please do not put a “tidbit” of what will be later served on the dinner plate. That will just confuse the child. What you want to do is to help your child realize this is not part of their dinner but just a little something to take the edge off and to help them make it to dinnertime where everyone is seated and dinner is enjoyed by all. Remember dinner is more than merely eating to satisfy hunger; it also is the time to nourish the body, and to nurture one’s emotional well-being. It is an event that connects a family at the end of the day, a time where family members share the experiences of the day and children learn the art of conversation. A well-mannered individual is a happy individual; they understand the rules of society and are comfortable in their own being. An individual who is unsure of themselves, and has no game plan, are generally not well received because they are not enjoyable to be around.

Learning proper table manners has always been a must for success in society but please do not belabor the point and make the experience unpleasant. You have years ahead of yourself to teach but if you make this an unpleasant event you just defeated yourself and accomplished the task of making this a” miserable” time for everyone at your dinner table. Your aim is not to have a perfectly mannered five year old but to have a perfectly mannered young adult, ready to go out into the world with confidence. With this in mind, here are the basics that should be covered – in the order they occur at mealtime:

• Everyone should come to the table with clean hands
• Place the napkin on your lap. A bib is the baby napkin – explain why they wear a bib.
• Wait for everyone to be seated and served before beginning to eat.
• Have proper sized utensils for the child’s hands and point out if any finger food is being served so your child can understand the way different foods are eaten.
• Take small, chewable-size bites. Never a mouthful. Explain that it is not very pleasant to look at and it is difficult to chew.
• Chew with your mouth closed, lips together, and don’t talk with food in the mouth. Explain that it is not nice to look at and people will not want to eat with them.
• Wait until your mouth is empty before taking a sip of your drink. Explain that no one wants to see food bits floating in neighboring cups.
• If there's something they do not want to eat, just leave it on the plate. Never force a child to eat, and never comment on the food you do not want to eat.
• Be considerate of the chef (no rude comments about appearance or taste). This goes for being at home, out visiting or dining at a restaurant. Being rude is unacceptable at all times; it does not matter where you are, being rude is just not nice.
• Food is passed to the right. “Please” ask for food to be passed if it's out of immediate reach and “thank you” when it is received. Pepper and salt go together, the set is placed on the table and the next person picks them up and passes on to the next place setting – never hand the salt and pepper set into anyone’s hands.
• Use a napkin to dab your mouth – do not smear or wipe.
  Let others finish what they are saying and do not interrupt. Two and three year olds have thoughts. Encourage their participation in the family conversation, remind them not to interrupt and when it is their turn to talk listen attentively to them. This will eventually get you to a “polite conversation” stage.
• As children get older they are taught to stay standing until all adults are seated.
• Children are to stay seated until they are excused. If they would like to leave earlier, they should ask to “please be excused”.
  

Manners are one of the most valued gifts you can give your child yet they are free. The cost, in time and patience, will be greatly paid back to you. In addition to teaching the basics in dining etiquette, you will be teaching your child how to be well-mannered, kind and thoughtful and just a happy well adjusted individual who will be well received.

Remember, children learn what they see so make sure you are acting appropriately as well. Take your time and treat your child (all children) with the respect you expect for yourself and your family. Your life will be so much warmer because you adhere to the first law of manners:

“Treat others as you want to be treated.”

Please Keep Your Hands To Yourself...Thank You.

It seems that everyone laments the decline in common courtesy today. Customers complain about declining customer service (rude sales staff who barely make eye contact when making change, store clerks refusing to end personal phone conversations while they ring up purchases, incessant gum chewing). Likewise, salespeople think customers are just as bad. Boorish customer behavior is on the rise (yelling, cutting in line, “demanding” service). As a result, I feel a bit sheepish even bringing this up, especially since the breach in etiquette is being caused in an attempt to be more attentive to customers.

But is anyone else bothered when – out at a restaurant - wait staff pick up your napkin from the seat of your chair, handle and refold your gently-used napkin and then place it on the table when you have excused yourself mid-meal? While I am certain well-meaning restaurant management is asking their staff to do this as a way of providing superior service and enhanced customer attention, I am afraid it is misguided and inappropriate.

A napkin belongs on the table in only two circumstances: first, at the very beginning so diners can enjoy sitting at a perfectly set table; and second, at the end of the meal to signal – usually first by the host – that the meal has concluded and it is time to leave. At that time, one is to gather the napkin from its center and place it – unfolded - to the left of one’s plate.

During the meal, when a diner excuses themselves from the table, the napkin is placed on the seat of the chair, which is then pushed in. This makes the most sense. Otherwise, the rest of the people remaining at the table are forced to see a crumpled and used napkin on the table, which is not at all appetizing.

The problem is that as more and more restaurants implement this napkin refolding step it starts to confuse people who begin thinking they were wrong in putting their napkin on the seat of the chair when excusing themselves from the table in the first place. Napkins are tricky business when dining. People have a hard enough time keeping the napkin rules straight without wait staff inadvertently adding to the confusion.

Letitia Baldrige (Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to the New Manners for the '90s, 1989) and the Protocol School of Washington agree that napkins are to be placed on the seat of the chair when you excuse yourself mid-meal. It is settled.