Improve Your Manners... Manage Your Time

"Life be not so short but that there is always time for courtesy."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Honking your horn on the way to work. Not holding the elevator for for the person you hear trying to catch the doors. Being short and obnoxious with wait and sales staff. Acting exasperated at a slow patron before you in line. Snapping at your children to "hurry up". Why do people do these things? Is everyone just rude? I don't think most people wake up intending to be rude. Rather, they are just running late and trying to do too many things at once. Today, we try to cram more into every day, hour, and minute than previous generations. But we must reject this pattern of rudeness - ours - that seems to come wth our faster-paced life.

One of the most impactful steps you can take to be consistently well-mannered is to learn to manage your time and don't be late. (Tardiness, by the way, is a top etiquette faux pas.) Think about it. Aren't you more kind, patient and forgiving when you have the "time" to be so?

It takes discipline and planning to wisely manage your time. When you do the resultant dividends are marvelous. You are more organized, efficient, pleasant and less flustered. Life is more enjoyable for you and those who encounter you. When you manage your time and are prompt for appointments you let the other person know you value their time too. Managing your time enables you to have time to be a thoughtful person who is considerate of other people, which is at the core of being well-mannered. Indeed, it is good to keep in mind:

"Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present." -George Washington

Children And Table Manners

Table manners? Where do you start? What do you teach? How do you begin? What should you expect? As a former nursery school teacher, I used to hear these questions all the time. And as a successful mum, I hear it now from new mommies wanting to raise happy and polite children. My answers have always been the same.

You start with the basics, when you have a child in a high chair. You teach the basics that everyone follows. They are always the same regardless of age. Once you are sure your own manners are up to par, you begin to teach by explaining everything you are doing and why. Children are little sponges thirsty to learn so constantly repeat yourself; eventually osmosis will take over and the table manners will just be a part of their daily routine. If you are patient and consistent and make it fun, eventually your child will learn proper table manners. Make dining a fun experience, enjoyed by all who join you at the dining table. It is your responsibility to ensure that the family sits down together at various meal times and spends quality time together as a family.

Once a child joins the family at the dinner table, they are taught to wait until everyone is seated to begin eating. If the child cannot wait because of hunger (because of age), give them a little something to hold them over until dinner is served. Please do not put a “tidbit” of what will be later served on the dinner plate. That will just confuse the child. What you want to do is to help your child realize this is not part of their dinner but just a little something to take the edge off and to help them make it to dinnertime where everyone is seated and dinner is enjoyed by all. Remember dinner is more than merely eating to satisfy hunger; it also is the time to nourish the body, and to nurture one’s emotional well-being. It is an event that connects a family at the end of the day, a time where family members share the experiences of the day and children learn the art of conversation. A well-mannered individual is a happy individual; they understand the rules of society and are comfortable in their own being. An individual who is unsure of themselves, and has no game plan, are generally not well received because they are not enjoyable to be around.

Learning proper table manners has always been a must for success in society but please do not belabor the point and make the experience unpleasant. You have years ahead of yourself to teach but if you make this an unpleasant event you just defeated yourself and accomplished the task of making this a” miserable” time for everyone at your dinner table. Your aim is not to have a perfectly mannered five year old but to have a perfectly mannered young adult, ready to go out into the world with confidence. With this in mind, here are the basics that should be covered – in the order they occur at mealtime:

• Everyone should come to the table with clean hands
• Place the napkin on your lap. A bib is the baby napkin – explain why they wear a bib.
• Wait for everyone to be seated and served before beginning to eat.
• Have proper sized utensils for the child’s hands and point out if any finger food is being served so your child can understand the way different foods are eaten.
• Take small, chewable-size bites. Never a mouthful. Explain that it is not very pleasant to look at and it is difficult to chew.
• Chew with your mouth closed, lips together, and don’t talk with food in the mouth. Explain that it is not nice to look at and people will not want to eat with them.
• Wait until your mouth is empty before taking a sip of your drink. Explain that no one wants to see food bits floating in neighboring cups.
• If there's something they do not want to eat, just leave it on the plate. Never force a child to eat, and never comment on the food you do not want to eat.
• Be considerate of the chef (no rude comments about appearance or taste). This goes for being at home, out visiting or dining at a restaurant. Being rude is unacceptable at all times; it does not matter where you are, being rude is just not nice.
• Food is passed to the right. “Please” ask for food to be passed if it's out of immediate reach and “thank you” when it is received. Pepper and salt go together, the set is placed on the table and the next person picks them up and passes on to the next place setting – never hand the salt and pepper set into anyone’s hands.
• Use a napkin to dab your mouth – do not smear or wipe.
  Let others finish what they are saying and do not interrupt. Two and three year olds have thoughts. Encourage their participation in the family conversation, remind them not to interrupt and when it is their turn to talk listen attentively to them. This will eventually get you to a “polite conversation” stage.
• As children get older they are taught to stay standing until all adults are seated.
• Children are to stay seated until they are excused. If they would like to leave earlier, they should ask to “please be excused”.
  

Manners are one of the most valued gifts you can give your child yet they are free. The cost, in time and patience, will be greatly paid back to you. In addition to teaching the basics in dining etiquette, you will be teaching your child how to be well-mannered, kind and thoughtful and just a happy well adjusted individual who will be well received.

Remember, children learn what they see so make sure you are acting appropriately as well. Take your time and treat your child (all children) with the respect you expect for yourself and your family. Your life will be so much warmer because you adhere to the first law of manners:

“Treat others as you want to be treated.”

Thank You Notes Made Easy

In my humble opinion, writing thank you notes has gone out of fashion. We want to bring them back into fashion. Thanking someone for a gift or kindness is something nice you can do for someone and yourself, pure and simple.

But with time being virtually obsolete, how can you still be "marvelously well-mannered"? Here are some tips to help you master the art of thank you notes in five minutes or less.

• First, buy some nice stationery. You don't have to spend oodles of money. I have seen the cutest cards at Target. You can also purchase smaller packs of stationery. Remember, what you write on as well as what you write is a reflection of you!

• Second, write the thank you note as soon as you can so you don't forget. There is no time limit per se, but you don't want to wait a year. But if it is a year or more, better late than never!

• Third, mention the gift, how you will use it, and keep it short and sweet.

Writing thank you notes is a wonderful habit to develop. And if you have children, they will see you writing these "blurbs of happiness" and want to do it themselves. And then their children will, and before you know it, writing thank you notes is back in fashion!

Please Keep Your Hands To Yourself...Thank You.

It seems that everyone laments the decline in common courtesy today. Customers complain about declining customer service (rude sales staff who barely make eye contact when making change, store clerks refusing to end personal phone conversations while they ring up purchases, incessant gum chewing). Likewise, salespeople think customers are just as bad. Boorish customer behavior is on the rise (yelling, cutting in line, “demanding” service). As a result, I feel a bit sheepish even bringing this up, especially since the breach in etiquette is being caused in an attempt to be more attentive to customers.

But is anyone else bothered when – out at a restaurant - wait staff pick up your napkin from the seat of your chair, handle and refold your gently-used napkin and then place it on the table when you have excused yourself mid-meal? While I am certain well-meaning restaurant management is asking their staff to do this as a way of providing superior service and enhanced customer attention, I am afraid it is misguided and inappropriate.

A napkin belongs on the table in only two circumstances: first, at the very beginning so diners can enjoy sitting at a perfectly set table; and second, at the end of the meal to signal – usually first by the host – that the meal has concluded and it is time to leave. At that time, one is to gather the napkin from its center and place it – unfolded - to the left of one’s plate.

During the meal, when a diner excuses themselves from the table, the napkin is placed on the seat of the chair, which is then pushed in. This makes the most sense. Otherwise, the rest of the people remaining at the table are forced to see a crumpled and used napkin on the table, which is not at all appetizing.

The problem is that as more and more restaurants implement this napkin refolding step it starts to confuse people who begin thinking they were wrong in putting their napkin on the seat of the chair when excusing themselves from the table in the first place. Napkins are tricky business when dining. People have a hard enough time keeping the napkin rules straight without wait staff inadvertently adding to the confusion.

Letitia Baldrige (Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to the New Manners for the '90s, 1989) and the Protocol School of Washington agree that napkins are to be placed on the seat of the chair when you excuse yourself mid-meal. It is settled.

Attention shoppers - you can find manners in the produce section

Jessica so eloquently described the difference between manners and etiquette. I was thinking about this as I was walking through my supermarket with my 14 month old sliding off my hip, pushing a full carriage with squeaky wheels that did not turn through a crowd as not one person stopped to allow us through. I wanted to cry.

The roadmap of civilized society touches every aspect of life, not just when dining at a five star restaurant. Etiquette should drive us to think of others and be kind - treat others as you want to be treated - at all times.

I have been that shopper. Stopping on the way home from work because the chicken went bad, running late to pick-up my baby at day care, racing through the aisles and then facing the check-out line for 15 items or less with "that shopper" with a full basket. And then they can't find their checkbook. I have learned to take a deep breath, smile and patiently wait because that will be me someday and I want my daughter to see me being kind to others. Because if she learns this from me, she will grow up to be a nice little girl who others want to be like and be around. And it spreads and hopefully when she is careening through the market with her little one dangling from her hip, shoppers will smile, step aside and the feeling of kindness will fill their hearts. And then it spreads.

The best thing about manners is that they are free. We just need to remember and use them. Because when we do, we feel good.

MARVELOUSLY WELL-MANNERED

Having good manners and knowing what the rules of etiquette are will make you more comfortable in all situations of everyday life both personally and professionally - it makes no difference where you are - you will always be at ease because you are confident in your own being. You won't need to spend time worrying about your own presentation. Rather, you can afford to take the time to make others around you feel comfortable. Every occasion is more enjoyable when everyone is comfortable.

Possessing good manners means you possess a certain "kindness of spirit" - a je ne sais quoi - that enables you to be considerate of other people, charm them, and make them feel welcome around you.

Etiquette, on the other hand, serves as a roadmap of civilized society and allows us to showcase that kindness of spirit, graciousness, and good manners. Knowing the rules of etiquette and having a certain savoir vivre - knowledge of the ways of polite society- greatly reduces the likelihood for confusion and encourages opportunities for cordiality. Taken together, these qualities allow you to shine both personally and professionally. Pure and simple.