I just came across a great article on tipping. People often don't know when to tip, or how much to tip. Yahoo News featured an article with advice on the subject from Anna Post of the Emily Post Institute.
When in doubt, always remember that it is marvelously well-mannered of you to show your appreciation for someone else's consideration and hard work. What do you think? What are more instances where one should tip and what is your rule of thumb? I would like to hear from people on how they handle the tipping situation when they encounter poor service.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Manners: A Return On Investment ... Priceless
Here are my top picks for the biggest return on investments; to teach your children manners so they are able to have a happy, health, and productive life - is this not what we all want for those we love?
How about taking brisk walks – this is easy to do and the rewards are great – this is a fine time to talk about what are the important things to learn in life.
Let us teach and demonstrate the correct way to eat. This will include the proper foods one needs for a healthy body but also the correct way to eat the food. We are teaching how to keep the waist-line lean – do not over eat. We are also the etiquette of dining. And the children are learning the correct way from the get-go.
Eating all the colors of the rainbow, variety of fruits and vegetables – this is just good common sense – has been from the very beginning of time. It also will allow individuals to enjoy eating foods from different cultures, to make new friends, to help us understand different cultures which will enrich one’s life. What a happy life!
We teach the rules of games so our children can play and have positive emotional interaction while keeping their bodies strong; to be included is a wonderful thing. We all know how miserable it feels to be excluded, but without manners – we are excluded.
We teach physical development so the bones and muscles are strong – a good fun physical game (basketball, track) or skill (tennis, skiing, ice skating – anyone?) and it is fun too – keeps one laughing and happy; we can have these social activities well into adult hood. Good manners will serve us our entire life regardless of age. Marvelously well-mannered people are always welcomed because they know the rules of the road and are a pleasure to have around.
We all need enough sleep – children need their rest to develop properly (both physical and emotional) and it carries over into adulthood. This is a lesson to be used for their entire lives (most adult people need 7 or 8 hours nightly). Tired people are not very pleasant to be around; they are grumpy, irritable and sometimes mean; they generally demonstrate bad behavior. One might not think of sleeping as being well-mannered but anything that interferes with making life unpleasant is called “lack of manners”. So let us ensure that we and our children are well-rested so we can go about having a wonderful life! We will be held in high regarded for being pleasant, nice people.
All people have stress; it is the way of life – give your child “handles” (correct words, actions, and feelings to deal with one's own conduct/reaction/behavior) so they can manage the inevitable stresses of every-day life. All people have stress; but if you teach your child how to manage it, you will set them on an emotionally happy road. Emotionally happy people are well-mannered, they know the rules of the game – they are confident in their life, they go in search of life's adventures.
We should teach and demonstrate how to keep a positive outlook – positiveness produces happy results – being negative just produces more negativity. Let us have a half full glass of milk rather than half empty glass of milk – attitude is everything.
Being marvelously well-mannered is the foundation of being well rounded, emotionally healthy and having a wonderful life. It opens all types of doors that we do not even know exit until we are invited in. Being marvelously well-mannered allows you to be ready for any and all opportunities that may come your way. Marvelous manners allow us to be ready when good fortune comes knowing at the door. Being marvelously well-mannered allows an individual to be happy, pure and simple.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Art of the Apology
There certainly have been an abundance of public apologies lately, Tiger Woods’ one being the latest in a string. Thankfully, when I have ever had to make an apology, it has always been in private, without the world watching. And instead of critiquing me, the people I have apologized to have usually been top-drawer – extremely gracious in accepting. I have been very lucky.
I am not weighing in one way or the other on the public apologies we have all witnesses over the last year or two, but the latest one did get me thinking, what constitutes a good apology?
As the title of this entry notes, an apology is an art, not a science. There is no formula that automatically grants you dispensation for your mistake. Knowing how to give a good apology is an essential skill, both in our personal and our professional lives, because all of us are imperfect and we all make mistakes for which we should apologize.
People don’t want your apology if you are not really sorry. But if you are, here are some elements of a sincere apology (learned from years of giving less than adequate apologies):
• Be specific in what you are apologizing for; mention what you did (tip: don’t say, “I am sorry if you feel that … ”. That is not an apology.)
• Be heartfelt in saying you regret what you did
• Ask for forgiveness and what if anything you can do to make it better
While no apology is the same as the next, the cast of characters and the situations change, these elements coupled with doing an apology without delay certainly help. You cannot control if your apology will be accepted but you can control whether or not you give a sincere one with grace. Done well, you will improve your relationships, your reputation, and mend fences.
A sincere apology is evidence of strength of character. Giving a good apology makes one marvelously well-mannered. Pure and simple.
I am not weighing in one way or the other on the public apologies we have all witnesses over the last year or two, but the latest one did get me thinking, what constitutes a good apology?
As the title of this entry notes, an apology is an art, not a science. There is no formula that automatically grants you dispensation for your mistake. Knowing how to give a good apology is an essential skill, both in our personal and our professional lives, because all of us are imperfect and we all make mistakes for which we should apologize.
People don’t want your apology if you are not really sorry. But if you are, here are some elements of a sincere apology (learned from years of giving less than adequate apologies):
• Be specific in what you are apologizing for; mention what you did (tip: don’t say, “I am sorry if you feel that … ”. That is not an apology.)
• Be heartfelt in saying you regret what you did
• Ask for forgiveness and what if anything you can do to make it better
While no apology is the same as the next, the cast of characters and the situations change, these elements coupled with doing an apology without delay certainly help. You cannot control if your apology will be accepted but you can control whether or not you give a sincere one with grace. Done well, you will improve your relationships, your reputation, and mend fences.
A sincere apology is evidence of strength of character. Giving a good apology makes one marvelously well-mannered. Pure and simple.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Presidents' Day
On the third Monday in February, our nation celebrates Presidents’ Day, in commemoration of the birthdays of President George Washington (1st President) and President Abraham Lincoln (16th President). This holiday, coupled with our blog, reminded me of George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation. When George Washington was a young man, age 16, he transcribed that list of 110 rules of etiquette and manners that find their origin among French Jesuits in the 16th century. While some of these guidelines for pleasant courtesies may sound peculiar or outdated at first glance, they do reflect what it means to be well-mannered, even today. Well, except maybe for Rule No. 9, "Spit not in the Fire, nor Stoop low before it neither Put your Hands into the Flames to warm them, nor Set your Feet upon the Fire especially if there be meat before it."
As we have noted in earlier blog entries (our very first one in fact), when someone is well-mannered they do not focus on themselves, but rather think about others and seek to make them feel welcome and comfortable. When people follow these timeless maxims, they display a kindness of spirit and help do their little part to ensure the continuation of polite society.
Click here to look at the list of George Washington’s 110 Rules – which one is your favorite?
We at Marvelously Well-Mannered think George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversations (Little Books of Wisdom) available at Amazon.com makes a fabulous gift – for young boys and girls, and would be a nice reference book for all of us.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Empathy and Everyday Manners
Little Girl (age 1) had her feeling hurt at the doctor office – she was rejected by a little boy – approximately age 4 – he would not let her play with the blocks in the common play area. His father did nothing to help this little boy to learn social manners. This area is for all children not just his angel (devil). What a shame.
Mommy was so sad for little Girl but did not interfere with this situation. They were not going to be there long enough for it to get into a bullying session but this little boy is on his way to being a bully especially with no adult (parent, in this case) helping him to develop social manners. He was given a chance to develop (understand) empathy but the father blew it – no four year old should pick on a one year old – not nice – not fair – the father failed at being a father (this common knowledge should be known by all normal four year old).
“Empathy" the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. (Merriam-Webster dictionary)
The little Girl is learning to handle feelings – if learning first-hand is not allowed she will not grow into a resilient adult. Mommy gives her hugs and kisses and pays extra attention to her, she is happy, she is only a year old, and if she was older her feelings could have been severely bruised. The father missed this opportunity to teach “empathy”, which is too bad since empathy is a learned feeling. Empathy helps make an individual a well-mannered adult. Why? When you know how you would feel in a situation, you will react with kindness, is this not the topmost behavior? Yes, it is.
It is hard on parents when we see the injustices our wee ones must endure, but endure they must. We do a disservice when we (always) run emotional interference – we must let our babies learn and develop appropriate responses to situation. It is our job as parents and caring adults to know when to step in and remove our child from emotional/physical harm. It is a hard road to walk but so very well worth it. It is up to the adults to help manage our children’s road so it will be safe. All age groups require different guidance but the one common element is – no one has a right to hurt either physically or emotional anyone. This is a pure and simple statement – it is true. Life can be hard at times but mostly it is wonderful, the glass is always half full. When children are taught to follow the basic rule of manners much of these troubling events can be avoid. Treat others as you want to be treated – another pure and simple statement.
But as parents we always want to take the culprits out by their knees!
My babies are full grown adults with babies of their own; I still feel this way about my babies – just take the sucker out by their knees, of course I don’t but I feel like it. A mother is a mother for her entire life and her babies are always her babies.
The most wonderful of gifts to our children of all ages is to let them develop into the person they will be, can be, and to let them know learning is a life time event, we learn everyday if we allow ourselves the opportunity. To be well-mannered allows us to go all places with confidence and to be always well-received. Why? Because we are nice people to be around, always putting others first, never wanting to cause embarrassment. How nice to be thought of this way! The rewards are great.
An after thought regarding empathy, we have established that this is a taught feeling that we should develop in all babies from the get go into young adulthood.
PS: hate, prejudice and bigotry are also feeling that one is taught. We must insure that these feeling are not part of children’s lives. These terrible feeling reap nothing but misery for the poor souls that posses them. We teach, yes we do - what you sow, you shall reap.
We want the goodness of the world for all who walk this earth.
Life is never simple but having behavior that gives us entry into society makes life so much easier and enjoyable. Being marvelously well-mannered is a wonderful thing. Being prepared for what possibility will come around your corner of life is a feeling of confidence - this is what manners give to you. Being prepared is having the battle half way won; knowing your manners allows you to join the game of life, pure and simple.
Mommy was so sad for little Girl but did not interfere with this situation. They were not going to be there long enough for it to get into a bullying session but this little boy is on his way to being a bully especially with no adult (parent, in this case) helping him to develop social manners. He was given a chance to develop (understand) empathy but the father blew it – no four year old should pick on a one year old – not nice – not fair – the father failed at being a father (this common knowledge should be known by all normal four year old).
“Empathy" the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. (Merriam-Webster dictionary)
The little Girl is learning to handle feelings – if learning first-hand is not allowed she will not grow into a resilient adult. Mommy gives her hugs and kisses and pays extra attention to her, she is happy, she is only a year old, and if she was older her feelings could have been severely bruised. The father missed this opportunity to teach “empathy”, which is too bad since empathy is a learned feeling. Empathy helps make an individual a well-mannered adult. Why? When you know how you would feel in a situation, you will react with kindness, is this not the topmost behavior? Yes, it is.
It is hard on parents when we see the injustices our wee ones must endure, but endure they must. We do a disservice when we (always) run emotional interference – we must let our babies learn and develop appropriate responses to situation. It is our job as parents and caring adults to know when to step in and remove our child from emotional/physical harm. It is a hard road to walk but so very well worth it. It is up to the adults to help manage our children’s road so it will be safe. All age groups require different guidance but the one common element is – no one has a right to hurt either physically or emotional anyone. This is a pure and simple statement – it is true. Life can be hard at times but mostly it is wonderful, the glass is always half full. When children are taught to follow the basic rule of manners much of these troubling events can be avoid. Treat others as you want to be treated – another pure and simple statement.
But as parents we always want to take the culprits out by their knees!
My babies are full grown adults with babies of their own; I still feel this way about my babies – just take the sucker out by their knees, of course I don’t but I feel like it. A mother is a mother for her entire life and her babies are always her babies.
The most wonderful of gifts to our children of all ages is to let them develop into the person they will be, can be, and to let them know learning is a life time event, we learn everyday if we allow ourselves the opportunity. To be well-mannered allows us to go all places with confidence and to be always well-received. Why? Because we are nice people to be around, always putting others first, never wanting to cause embarrassment. How nice to be thought of this way! The rewards are great.
An after thought regarding empathy, we have established that this is a taught feeling that we should develop in all babies from the get go into young adulthood.
PS: hate, prejudice and bigotry are also feeling that one is taught. We must insure that these feeling are not part of children’s lives. These terrible feeling reap nothing but misery for the poor souls that posses them. We teach, yes we do - what you sow, you shall reap.
We want the goodness of the world for all who walk this earth.
Life is never simple but having behavior that gives us entry into society makes life so much easier and enjoyable. Being marvelously well-mannered is a wonderful thing. Being prepared for what possibility will come around your corner of life is a feeling of confidence - this is what manners give to you. Being prepared is having the battle half way won; knowing your manners allows you to join the game of life, pure and simple.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine's Day Etiquette
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
We at Marvelously Well-Mannered are firm believers that manners and etiquette are not to be saved for special occasions. Nor are they to be saved for only loved ones. They should be liberally used every day, toward everyone.
That said, we did want to remind people that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and with it comes some pretty high expectations from loved ones. Here are some tips to help your odds in having a more enjoyable February 14th:
• Make your “date” arrangements well in advance. Proper planning means less opportunity for surprises that tend to cause people to be rude, frazzled, and not very enjoyable to be around.
• If you go out on a date, focus your attention on your date – not your cellphone, blackberry, or the people you see over your date’s shoulder.
• The one who does the inviting to a dinner should pay. A special evening out does not have to mean at an extravagantly, expensive restaurant. The host should find something within their budget.
• Be polite, courteous and patient when interacting with the wait-staff, especially when things go wrong. Nothing kills a romantic mood than being with someone who treats others rudely. It is embarrassing. It is uncomfortable.
• Mind your manners at the dining table. Remember what your mum taught you: sit up straight, wait to eat until everyone has been served, chew with your mouth closed, don’t talk with a full mouth, and elbows – off the table.
• Graciously accept compliments with a smile and a “thank you.” And only give sincere compliments – if you don’t believe what you say, it is usually painfully obvious.
• Flowers, chocolate, or a gift are nice. But a card containing a well-thought out, sincere love note is the best gift of all. Please make sure spelling and grammar are up to par.
• For parents of children who attend schools where the holiday is celebrated, this is a good opportunity to explain to your child that no one likes to be left out and it is good manners to give cards to everyone, and not to exclude individuals.
• Remember while Valentine’s Day is often associated with romantic love, it is also another great opportunity to remind everyone you care about that you really do care about them and that you do not take them for granted.
And again, to be marvelously well-mannered, remember that you should be treating everyone with kindness and thoughtfulness everyday. Marvelous manners and etiquette really do matter. Pure and simple.
We at Marvelously Well-Mannered are firm believers that manners and etiquette are not to be saved for special occasions. Nor are they to be saved for only loved ones. They should be liberally used every day, toward everyone.
That said, we did want to remind people that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and with it comes some pretty high expectations from loved ones. Here are some tips to help your odds in having a more enjoyable February 14th:
• Make your “date” arrangements well in advance. Proper planning means less opportunity for surprises that tend to cause people to be rude, frazzled, and not very enjoyable to be around.
• If you go out on a date, focus your attention on your date – not your cellphone, blackberry, or the people you see over your date’s shoulder.
• The one who does the inviting to a dinner should pay. A special evening out does not have to mean at an extravagantly, expensive restaurant. The host should find something within their budget.
• Be polite, courteous and patient when interacting with the wait-staff, especially when things go wrong. Nothing kills a romantic mood than being with someone who treats others rudely. It is embarrassing. It is uncomfortable.
• Mind your manners at the dining table. Remember what your mum taught you: sit up straight, wait to eat until everyone has been served, chew with your mouth closed, don’t talk with a full mouth, and elbows – off the table.
• Graciously accept compliments with a smile and a “thank you.” And only give sincere compliments – if you don’t believe what you say, it is usually painfully obvious.
• Flowers, chocolate, or a gift are nice. But a card containing a well-thought out, sincere love note is the best gift of all. Please make sure spelling and grammar are up to par.
• For parents of children who attend schools where the holiday is celebrated, this is a good opportunity to explain to your child that no one likes to be left out and it is good manners to give cards to everyone, and not to exclude individuals.
• Remember while Valentine’s Day is often associated with romantic love, it is also another great opportunity to remind everyone you care about that you really do care about them and that you do not take them for granted.
And again, to be marvelously well-mannered, remember that you should be treating everyone with kindness and thoughtfulness everyday. Marvelous manners and etiquette really do matter. Pure and simple.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Etiquette Evolves But Good Manners Are Constant
Last night, I taught a dining etiquette course as part of the Arlington County Adult Education Center offerings. As an aside, if you live in the D.C. area, I strongly encourage you to look into the classes offered, and not only the dining etiquette course. (For instance, I have taken classes that span the spectrum from finance to flower arranging.)
Anyway, I had a wonderful time with a lively class that was full of questions and examples of real world dining etiquette faux pas they had witnessed. It was obvious all in the class had a solid grounding in dining etiquette, but just wanted to polish their skills. Good for them! Because etiquette is not static - it evolves as society changes - it is quite easy to get confused with what is the state of play.
A classic question that comes up is, elbows on the table - permissible or a problem? Everyone remembers how this used to be considered practically a cardinal rule of proper dining.
While all of the leading etiquette mavens agree no elbows while eating, some (Dorothea Johnson's Protocol School of Washington) hold firm that elbows are "never placed on the table" while others say it is fine to do in between courses and when one is lingering over a completed meal. Some reasons given is that it is a gesture that comes naturally when one is engaged in a lively and animated conversation (Letitia Baldridge) and that it shows that you are intently listening (Peggy Post).
We at Marvelously Well-Mannered come down on - no elbows during the entire dining occasion. Our reasoning is that if you put your elbows on the table, it increases the likelihood that you will violate some other dining etiquette rule, like the rule that one should sit straight (but not stiffly) at the table.
And, we think, more importantly, putting your elbows on the table causes the real risk that you will make others at your table feel uncomfortable or at least a bit unwelcome. How? Easy. If you are listening so intently to someone that you put your elbow on the table to lean in a bit more, you literally turn a cold shoulder, if not your back to, at least some of the other people at your table (depending on how many you are dining with at the time). All the other people receive the not so subtle message, do not interrupt us, you are not welcome.
While society may indeed be relaxing, and more and more elbows are making their way onto dining tables all across America (mainly because it is more comfortable to sit that way), there still are some of us who keep in mind that, "good manners are made up of petty sacrifices." So even though it isn't really as comfortable as slouching on an elbow, sit up straight and make sure all at the table are made to feel welcome to join your conversations. Purely "private conversations" do not belong at a large dinner table. We opt for resting your wrists on the table (a la European/Continental style). Marvelous manners and etiquette matter. Pure and simple.
Anyway, I had a wonderful time with a lively class that was full of questions and examples of real world dining etiquette faux pas they had witnessed. It was obvious all in the class had a solid grounding in dining etiquette, but just wanted to polish their skills. Good for them! Because etiquette is not static - it evolves as society changes - it is quite easy to get confused with what is the state of play.
A classic question that comes up is, elbows on the table - permissible or a problem? Everyone remembers how this used to be considered practically a cardinal rule of proper dining.
While all of the leading etiquette mavens agree no elbows while eating, some (Dorothea Johnson's Protocol School of Washington) hold firm that elbows are "never placed on the table" while others say it is fine to do in between courses and when one is lingering over a completed meal. Some reasons given is that it is a gesture that comes naturally when one is engaged in a lively and animated conversation (Letitia Baldridge) and that it shows that you are intently listening (Peggy Post).
We at Marvelously Well-Mannered come down on - no elbows during the entire dining occasion. Our reasoning is that if you put your elbows on the table, it increases the likelihood that you will violate some other dining etiquette rule, like the rule that one should sit straight (but not stiffly) at the table.
And, we think, more importantly, putting your elbows on the table causes the real risk that you will make others at your table feel uncomfortable or at least a bit unwelcome. How? Easy. If you are listening so intently to someone that you put your elbow on the table to lean in a bit more, you literally turn a cold shoulder, if not your back to, at least some of the other people at your table (depending on how many you are dining with at the time). All the other people receive the not so subtle message, do not interrupt us, you are not welcome.
While society may indeed be relaxing, and more and more elbows are making their way onto dining tables all across America (mainly because it is more comfortable to sit that way), there still are some of us who keep in mind that, "good manners are made up of petty sacrifices." So even though it isn't really as comfortable as slouching on an elbow, sit up straight and make sure all at the table are made to feel welcome to join your conversations. Purely "private conversations" do not belong at a large dinner table. We opt for resting your wrists on the table (a la European/Continental style). Marvelous manners and etiquette matter. Pure and simple.
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