Etiquette Evolves But Good Manners Are Constant

Last night, I taught a dining etiquette course as part of the Arlington County Adult Education Center offerings. As an aside, if you live in the D.C. area, I strongly encourage you to look into the classes offered, and not only the dining etiquette course. (For instance, I have taken classes that span the spectrum from finance to flower arranging.)

Anyway, I had a wonderful time with a lively class that was full of questions and examples of real world dining etiquette faux pas they had witnessed. It was obvious all in the class had a solid grounding in dining etiquette, but just wanted to polish their skills. Good for them! Because etiquette is not static - it evolves as society changes - it is quite easy to get confused with what is the state of play.

A classic question that comes up is, elbows on the table - permissible or a problem? Everyone remembers how this used to be considered practically a cardinal rule of proper dining.

While all of the leading etiquette mavens agree no elbows while eating, some (Dorothea Johnson's Protocol School of Washington) hold firm that elbows are "never placed on the table" while others say it is fine to do in between courses and when one is lingering over a completed meal. Some reasons given is that it is a gesture that comes naturally when one is engaged in a lively and animated conversation (Letitia Baldridge) and that it shows that you are intently listening (Peggy Post).

We at Marvelously Well-Mannered come down on - no elbows during the entire dining occasion. Our reasoning is that if you put your elbows on the table, it increases the likelihood that you will violate some other dining etiquette rule, like the rule that one should sit straight (but not stiffly) at the table.

And, we think, more importantly, putting your elbows on the table causes the real risk that you will make others at your table feel uncomfortable or at least a bit unwelcome. How? Easy. If you are listening so intently to someone that you put your elbow on the table to lean in a bit more, you literally turn a cold shoulder, if not your back to, at least some of the other people at your table (depending on how many you are dining with at the time). All the other people receive the not so subtle message, do not interrupt us, you are not welcome.

While society may indeed be relaxing, and more and more elbows are making their way onto dining tables all across America (mainly because it is more comfortable to sit that way), there still are some of us who keep in mind that, "good manners are made up of petty sacrifices." So even though it isn't really as comfortable as slouching on an elbow, sit up straight and make sure all at the table are made to feel welcome to join your conversations. Purely "private conversations" do not belong at a large dinner table. We opt for resting your wrists on the table (a la European/Continental style). Marvelous manners and etiquette matter. Pure and simple.